Let’s face it: 90% of us aren’t looking forward the ol’ Valentine’s Day gift exchange. First off, it’s stressful to find the perfect present (hundreds of people are googling this topic as you read this). Secondly, not all of us have the acting chops of Meryl Streep of Viola Davis necessary to pretend we’re happy that our Valentine spent a bunch of money on something useless. But it’s the thought that counts, right? GREAT!
Here are some gifts you can find online that you might want to think twice about getting your lady love this year. You’ll thank us, trust me.
1. Giant teddy bear
Bigger isn’t always better, especially when your gift ends up getting it’s own personal pat-down by security at the bar. You’ll also definitely need to shell out the extra bucks to get a van cab or UberXL home. If things get hot and heavy at the end of the night, be sure to buy an XL blindfold for your new third wheel buddy unless you’re… you know… into that kind of thing.
2. MORE than 2 dozen roses
Now what girl doesn’t looove roses? You’d be surprised. A bouquet or two is fine. More than that is okay if you’re Beyonce and planning on announcing that you’re pregnant with twins. But when it starts to get to “American Beauty” or “Sgt. Pepper & The Lonely Hearts Club Band” levels, you may want to tone it down. (By “it” I mean the sound of the vacuum cleaner over the next few weeks. Dried crispy petal crumbs are not a good look)
3. Personalized Fishing Lures
Nothing says “I love you” more than a good pun! But I think this is more for the fish than your boo. The fish should know what real love looks like before being trapped, deboned and eaten. Personally, I’d engrave “I’m hooked on you” on a new blu-ray player with the 1991 film “Hook” inside. Who doesn’t love Robin Williams? (Rest In Peace)
4. Edible Undergarments
No. Just no.
5. A RING
Unless you’re planning to propose, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, don’t give her anything that even looks like it could possibly be a ring. I don’t care if it’s from Mordor. I don’t care how much your girlfriend likes Beyonce. She WILL go back to being a single lady.